Issue to track ways of getting out of work.

[jameswhite]

We've all got co-workers that avoid work. Hell, sometimes we avoid work. Append comments to this issue with the kinds of techniques people use to get out of work and we'll give them all names like "the Jeff Bunch Maneuver" or whatever and put up a pages site.

warning: These comments may trigger some PTSD

Cc: @rick

[jameswhite]

The Linux Laptop

The user refuses to use the laptop you shipped them and instead of doing work, spends most their time fighting linux laptop problems such as dotfiles, auth, vpn, and many many more. Every day is a new linux problem that's keeping them from getting those tests to run or getting that code shipped.

[jameswhite]

The +3000/-3000 whitespace PR

The user spends a week cutting a PR that changes no functionality other than putting whitespace after equal signs or bumping 20 gems a patch level It takes a hour to review and there are absolutely no substantial changes to any functionality in the code.

[jameswhite]

The Public / Private communication split

This one comes in a few variations, but in essence it's a disparity between what one says or does publicly and what they say or do privately

Variation 1: the Jeff Bunch

The user tells you in private that thing their waiting on isn't important so don't rush. In the next all-hands they announce they're blocked by the thing they're waiting on from you.

Variation 2: Let's Pair on it

The user announces in the group meeting that they really want to do something but need help pairing on it. Once you start pairing with them on it, they're dismissive and cut the pairing session off early because they "can handle it from here." Nothing ever gets shipped

Variation 3: Houston, we have a problem:

The user is super vocal about solving something in the group meeting. They immediately hit a problem and then DM co-workers individually to ensure they know about the issue, but refuse any help. The problem persists until the next stand-up. Nothing gets shipped.

[jameswhite]

The convenient sick-day or appointment

The user ships nothing all week. On the one day that you have a meeting to discuss blockers / progress, they're out sick. The following week they ship just enough to get blocked on something, they report they're blocked in the next meeting, and are conveniently sick the meeting after that.

[jameswhite]

100 conferences

The user is away at a conference 2 weeks out of every three, but they'll have their laptop with them in case you want them to not work from the conference.

[stephenyeargin]

Blocker Detector

Within a short period of time starting on a project, has created or found a blocker that they believe must be resolved before any work at all can be done. Casual observer believes problem solving would allow it to be bypassed. Status updates center around the blocker, which becomes increasingly intractable with every telling, while simultaneously refusing assistance to resolve. When applied to its logical conclusion, project is canceled for lack of interest.

[stephenyeargin]

Pet Project

Has a pet project, either of their own creation or an executive's, that always has higher precedence than whatever work needs doing. The project has unclear objectives or utility to the business as a whole. User will volunteer to help with other work, but when asked for a status update, the Pet Project has sucked away all their available time and they were unable to help. They are sure to mention that they worked on your project during status updates in spite of their contribution being little more than "looked at it for a second."

[stephenyeargin]

The Council of Geniuses

Management has elevated one or more team members to be the spiritual leaders of the group and to extol the virtues of shipping code. Council member posts random Hackernews articles to Slack and does a lunch-and-learn once a quarter, but never ships anything. Often has title of "architect."

[jameswhite]

The massive overhaul

Instead of shipping value to the business, the user ships massive projects like openstack or kubernetes that never really land and add value to the business, but that entire team looks super-busy (overworked, even) while shipping this Big Thing™ That basically ships the exact same capabilities the company had before the project started. If it fails massively, the team can just change jobs and put this item on the resume so they can go do it somewhere else.

[jameswhite]

The "Get back to work, james"

User spends more time babbling in chat slack/irc/hipchat/commenting-in-issues than shipping code.

Cc: @heathseals

[stahnma]

I don't do Windows.

The developer or team builds something that only works on Linux/Mac even though the requirements clearly stated Windows as a need. They're days away from shipment and they say, "I don't do Windows. I guess you should have made time on the Windows team to do that." And now the project turns out half-done.

[rick]

The Ant Man

In standup the developer gives a status report that talks about the minutiae of what's being worked on, especially any "blockers" in such high level of detail that people start to stare out the windows; gets cut off eventually in the interest of ever ending the meeting. No work has actually been done.

[rick]

The hoarder

After going away in the corner for a few days, no work is visible. When asked where the Pull Request is, the response is some variation of "I've got it on a branch". When asked to push the branch, developer says that they are trying to get everything working before pushing it up.

[rick]

The massive overhaul

Also known as "The Mines of Moria"

[bval]

The Stack Overflow

Developer cannot be bothered to develop the feature, and so adds a 30 KLoC Javascript library to the project to facilitate the one-line implementation he found on Stack Overflow. This took a week but as a bonus the PR is +30,001.